My son's school just finished the whole fundraiser-catalog thingy, and each kid gets a reward of one piece of schlocky merchandise even more cheaply made than the stuff for sale. Here's what it says on the package for Ben's reward (note: the package gives the item no name other than TOY):
STICKY BALL IS COMPRISED OF [Ed.: No! "Consists of," or "comprises," or "is composed of," but not "is comprised of." Who taught you English?] 32 FRESH AND SOFT NATURAL SUCKING NIPPLES. IT CAN ATTACH ON SMOOTH OBJECTS SUCH AS THE SURFACES OF TABLE AND MIRROR. WHILE PLAYING,IT WON'T CUT HANDS OR FEET AND CAN ENHANCE HANDLE AND REACTIVE ABILITY.
WITH SPECIAL BAT OF STICKY BALL,IT CAN BE PLAYED BY ONE OR MORE PERSONS. [Ed.: There are two "special bats of sticky ball," so more = two.] WHILE PLAYED BY ONLY ONE PERSON, YOU THROW THE BALL IN THE AIR FIRST, AND THEN CATCH IT WITH BAT WHILE STICKY BALL IS FALLING. WHILE PLAYED BY MORE THAN TWO PERSONS, ONE PERSON CASTS THE BALL TO ANOTHER;ANOTHER PERSON CATCHES IT WITH BAT AND CASTS BACK TO THE FORMER. IT IS FULL OF JOY AND CAN BUILD FIGURE.
NOTE: WHILE PLAYING, BE CAREFUL NOT TO HIT STICKY BALL ON KEY PART OF THE BODY SUCH AS EYES AND NOSES ETC.
Is this not the best set of instructions ever? I could take a picture of sticky ball and special bats, but I think it's better if you use your imagination to envision this foot-safe, nose-dangerous, handle-enhancing, figure-building, joyful product.
Update: One of the special bats of sticky ball is cracked already, since Ben was wearing the bats as shoes. Why was there no warning not to employ special bats of sticky ball as shoes?