Wednesday, August 24, 2005

Freebie People

A while back, one of my favorite bloggers, Mona, presented her list of five freebie lays—famous people whom she feels would merit special dispensation from her spouse’s monogamy expectations. (This concept was also discussed on Friends, if anyone remembers that program.) Such lists are highly hypothetical: What are the odds Mona will actually meet Colin Firth and have the opportunity for mind-blowing sex with him? Probably slim. (Sorry, honey. The truth hurts.) For starters, he lives in the wrong country.

So I got to thinking about my hypothetical quintet of freebies. (Not all at once! Get your minds out of the gutter, people.) Could I settle on five? For inspiration, I asked Mr. Tangerine who was on his list. (Secretly, I think Mona’s on it, but she doesn’t count because she’s famous only in anonymous blogland.) He couldn’t come up with anyone. I know, I know—he obviously has chosen his list but is sparing me the pain of hearing which famous women who are completely unlike me are actually much hotter than me.

A good friend of mine populates her informal list with men whose minds she deems sexiest—for example, Richard Holbrooke and Paul Krugman, Charlie Rose and Harold Varmus. This approach, while completely valid, is not for me.

Number one on the Orange Tangerine fresh-squeezed list is Brad Pitt. Funny, smart, well-dressed, and totally hot in Mr. and Mrs. Smith Loose and funny in The Mexican and Ocean’s Eleven. Too beautiful for words in A River Runs Through It and Legends of the Fall. And showing a lot of skin and sinew in Thelma and Louise. He loses me when he goes all scruffy with beards and whatnot in real life and in his skanky-leaning films, but he definitely has potential.

Number two, Bruce Willis, with the lights off. He’s not bad looking, and he’s doing all right with the hair loss. Though the Planet Hollywood thing was silly, he gets major points for accepting his ex-wife’s relationship with a 20-something hottie with such genial equanimity and self-assurance. But let’s turn the lights off and focus on that soothing, raspy, irresistible voice, shall we?

I haven’t seen any of George Clooney’s work since Ocean’s Eleven, but I still like him. The puppy-dog eyes combined with smarts and an unabashed liberal streak? Hot! He also seems to always be pulled together—none of those tabloid shots looking sloppy, no embarrassing high-profile relationship flame-outs. Definitely a worthy number three.

Number four is Russell Wong, whom I haven’t seen in anything in ages. His character in The Joy Luck Club was heartbreakingly cruel, and yet his hotness steadfastly refused to be overpowered by the character’s brutality. A tasty morsel, indeed.

Last, we have Bill O’Reilly. I kid! I kid. I’ve only got four people and I’m drawing a blank on number five, but any good list of freebies must by law contain five names. I now open the floor for nominations.


Psycho Kitty said...

1)Hugh Jackman
2)Hugh Jackman
3)Hugh Jackman
4)Hugh Jackman
and 5) about...Hugh Jackman!
What can I say? I all about the fidelity.

Orange said...

Hmm, it appears Mr. Jackman is spoken for. Plus, I would get mocked by Mr. Tangerine, who refers to him as "Huge Assman."

thenutfantastic said...

Marky Mark and The Rock come to my mind, but they are spoken for, too. *sigh*

Orange said...

Nut, I just mean Hugh was spoken for by virtue of holding positions 1 through 5 on PK's list. But no, I don't want Marky Mark, nor any member of his erstwhile Funky Bunch, or The Rock.

I also contemplated Bill Clinton (but Hillary would totally have to be okay with it first) and Jon Stewart (but he fell off the list when I rejected his advances in a dream several months ago).

Mona Buonanotte said... mean...(lip trembling)...I'll NEVER (sniff) ever (sobbing) really sleep with Colin Firth? That's it, I'm packing my bags and moving to England and becoming his stalker! Then he'll HAVE to notice me! (Packs suitcase and slams door on way out.)

I liked Brad Pitt a lot in 'Fight Club', that rough bloody boy. And y'know, yer on to something with Bruce Willis, the 'now' Bruce. He seems more comfortable in his skin. Yeah, I'd let him do me!

Bored Housewife said...

Oh come on....go for Val Kilmer!!! ever since I saw him in "Top Secret" when I was way too young to be watching such filth, I have been charmed by him. heee...

I definitely dig the Bruce Willis idea. Collin Farrel had me until his uber-slut-ishness became apparent. blech. and I'm a total lesbo with my Orlando Bloom fetish, but I don't care!! You have me thinking, though.

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Larry Burkum said...

Hey, Brad Pitt is from the town in which I live! His family is still here. Catch a glimpse of him now and then when he comes to visit. Can I be number five on your list for that? (don't tell my wife)

Anonymous said...

My former co-worker went to college with Brad Pitt (who doesn't do a thing for me - maybe because I read somewhere he doesn't bathe). She even showed us a picture of them together in which she had big '80s hair.

JT said...

1. Jon Stewart
2. Johnny Depp (especially in the pirate costume, tee hee hee)
3. John Mayer
4. Can I share George Clooney with ya?
5. Ewan McGregor (the Down With Love rather than the Star Wars look)

Excuse me.... I have some daydreaming to do now....

Orange said...

Ellen, Brad Pitt has to be cleaned-up Brad Pitt, as seen in selected movies, not the skanky variant. I have some standards here. The nice thing about lists like these is that they don't have to involve any reality.

JT, Depp doesn't do anything for me. I know, everyone else thinks he's as tasty as chocolate, but he tends to get even skankier than Brad Pitt. John Mayer? Too baby-faced. Jon Stewart? See my comment above. Ewan? Nah, not my type. Clooney? He doesn't seem too big on settling down with one woman, so everyone can share.

Lisa, Val Kilmer was indeed most charming in "Top Secret." I loved that silly movie!