Secular cynics, rejoice!

My eyes bugged out like a runaway bride when reading the Tribune article about the Precious Moments theme park. Yes, really! It's no joke. Conveniently located in Missouri so you can swing by Branson on the same trip.

In addition to the wedding chapel and the dead-children-gone-to-heaven parts of the Precious Moments park, there's also a Fountain of Angels. The Trib article describes it thus:

Twice daily, the Fountain of Angels erupts into life.

In the center of its own 10-story theater, the multilayered fountain blasts water over 120 4-foot bronze statues of bare-bottomed cherubs, cheerful-looking fish and water-spouting ducks.

As the music soars -- a chorus of recorded Christian music (example: "In the Garden") performed by members of the London Philharmonic -- the fountain bursts into a Vegas-style light and water show. In one, "The Everlasting Promise," a booming voice narrates tales of Genesis and the New Testament as corresponding biblical images are projected onto a wall of water behind the fountain.

At the end, a smiling Jesus, played by an actor bearing a striking resemblance to a bearded Orlando Bloom, greets the audience from heaven with open arms.

"It just gets me every time," says Joann Hannaford, 65, sitting outside after the show. "It's just totally fantastic. I've seen this show six or eight times, and every time it touches me. Like I'd never seen it before. . . . The ending is always the best, when you see Christ walking toward you."