Friday, July 08, 2005

Male urology!

I just finished editing nine short papers on the male genitourinary tract. I have learned so much!

We all know men are supposed to get a digital rectal exam at their annual check-ups starting at age 40. What's involved? A whole lotta inspection and manhandling of the bits that are accessible via that route, particularly the prostate. But be alert: "A urine specimen should be taken prior to palpation of the prostate, as prostate massage squeezes prostate secretions into the urine."

About that prostate—what's it for? "Its principal known function is to supply the fluid that propels sperm out of the penis during ejaculation." (Don't you love the writing style? It's just so fun!) And what about the rest of the anatomy? The tumescent dong's purpose is "to enter female genitalia and act as a conduit for forceful ejaculation of sperm." (That must be the "propelling" we just learned about.)

Also, the ball skin has "a distinctive corrugated texture." Is that what they mean by "box"? (I didn't think so.) Back in his stand-up comedy days, Tim Allen described it as more a case of God saying, "We've got some extra elbow skin left over." I haven't looked at my elbows the same since.

After I finished the anatomy and examination papers, I moved on to the most cringe-inducing paper I've ever had the misfortune to edit: everything you ever wanted to know about STDs and the male genitalia but were too terrified to ask because you were afraid they'd show you pictures. (I am so grateful this paper was not illustrated.) There were many evocative terms and concepts: Bloody ejaculation. Prostate massage. Bed rest with scrotal elevation. (What?!? How?) Warty lumps. (Which would be a great name for a band.)

Gonorrhea? You don't want to mess around with that. "Copious urethral discharge stains undergarments and may make changes of clothing necessary, while scanty discharge may be apparent as beads of moisture or small crusts at the head of the penis. The discharge may be clear or foul-smelling." See? They should totally market a macho version of pantiliners.

Okay, I have exorcised the urological demons and promise not to write any more on the topic for at least a month.


Rob Helpy-Chalk said...

I was going to make a joke about how you are the number one hit on google for "tumescent dong" but for some reason you don't come up at all.

Clearly you need to do something to raise your internet visibility.

thenutfantastic said...

I actually like reading about this stuff. Maybe it's because I have a son who likes to ask questions.

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