Monday, February 27, 2006

Spam is so boring

Lately, all my spam has been so dull. Most spams are "from" a person with a crazy first name (like Ernesztina or Nickolethia) and no last name, and they're 30% watches, 30% debt relief, 30% cheap prescriptions, and a smattering of miscellaneous penis alerts, stock tips, or mortgage offers. The debt relief category is killing me:

abolish all of your credi't card deb't so you can get command of your wea1th
Abolish all you are indebted for not even sending another cent
Abolish everything you are indebted for not even paying an other cent
Abolish everything you owe without paying another dime
Eliminate all that you are indebted for with out mailing an other dollar
Eliminate everything you owe not even paying another dime
Eliminate everything you owe not even paying another dime [Copycat!]
Eradicate all you owe with out paying another dollar
Get rid of all you are indebted for without mailing another cent
Get rid of everything you are indebted for not even paying an other cent

You see how unoriginal these subject lines are? Well, except for that first one—apostrophizing credit and debt a masterstroke. Here's what I'd do if I were writing these things. I'd mix up the word order a bit, and for the love of god, have these people never heard of a plugged nickel?

Here's my contribution (and spammers, please, feel free to use this subject line; you don't even have to attribute it to me:

Wipe out every plugged nickel of your obligations—every single one!

Yes, that sucks too—but this is spam we're talking about. But these people, they just need to quit with the without/not even sending/mailing/paying any more tropes. Really, now.

11 comments:

Charlie said...

All of my recent spam has come with boring subjects too. But a recent missive titled "Software" comes from one Winos H. Biopsies. I must admit that I find his name intriguing. I mean, think of what it must've been like to go through middle school with a name like that. But hey, at least he's still wearing it proudly, right?

Rob Helpy-Chalk said...

I'm impressed with the forceful words that open each header: "Abolish" "eliminate" "eradicate." I'd like to to see more span along those lines:

"Annihilate your debt!"
"Decimate your loans"
"Obliterate your credit cards!"
"Exterminate all debts!"
"Destroy the very idea of your debt, so that people can literally not conceive of you owing them anything"

Charlie said...

And speaking of spam, did you see this thread over at Bitch Ph.D.?

Rob Helpy-Chalk said...

"Nuke your obligations to others!"

"Grind your liabilities into a fine powder!!"

"Extinguish monetary promises!!!!"

Charlie said...

Demolish your debt!
Pulverize your payments!!
Mutilate your mortgage!!!

Orange said...

Eviscerate or disembowel your creditors!
Too much debt? Hulk smash. Hulk say not even send another dime.
Make mincemeat of your owings!
Lay waste to thine credit obligations!
Ransack and pillage your remaining debts!
Vanquish your indebtedness, thereby preserving your remaining pennies.
Massacre your debt payments pronto!
Subvert the existing debt-laden paradigm.

Orange said...

Or:

Vanquish your rivals with a sophisticated timepiece.
Slaughter the other fellas with your des1gner wristwatch!
Eradicate an unstylish wrist with our lovely timepieces!

JT said...

Sorry, Orange -- yours won't work. If it's spelled correctly, it's just not real spam. *grin*

Charlie said...

Achieve a rousing victory overerectile disfunction.

Orange said...

Here's a tempting one I just received:

"Re-fi your mortgage in many days!"

Not just a few days, like those other banks. We will stretch the process out to many days.

Orange said...

Give your erectile dysfunction a good rogering!