Friday, November 11, 2005

Closed on Sundays

When did this open? "The Holy Land Experience" is one of Orlando's newest attractions, apparently, as I hadn't heard of it before seeing billboards last week. Apparently it's like Epcot-does-Jerusalem.

The website itself is a hoot: While loading the buttons for the left sidebar, there was a little fine print that said "Holyland Buttons Loading." (Thanks for the explanation! But why so slow? I've got high-speed access, baby. Holiness must gum up the works.) The Oasis Palms Café (variously called "Oasis Palm's Café," in a holy case of apostrophe misuse) features a genuine vegetarian Mediterranean Sampler (tempting!), plus the Goliath Burger. (Of course. But why no Jumbo All-Beef Jesus Dog?) They've got the theme-park shop, the Old Scroll Shop, set up for online retail. You want audiobooks on the end times? This is the place.

They show a short movie in the Theatre of Life, "The Seed of Promise." I don't think it has to do with the spilling of seed, though. Different seed. And there's a "New! Exhibit!" (Jesus would weep to see such punctuation abuse), "A Day in the Life of a Monk." (I'm not sure, but I think it usually involves Monk cracking the case when the police can't, owing to the phenomenal attention to detail that accompanies his OCD.) Cognitive dissonance, though: If the theme park's supposed to put visitors in touch with what it was like in Jerusalem 2,000 years ago, what's the medieval monk doing on the premises? Can we get some consistency here, folks?

I got pretty excited when I saw the Holyland Button for job opportunities. Sadly, there are currently no job openings. I'll keep checking...


Pebonstories said...

Ever hear of Holyland USA? (Description here and pictures here.) The place seems more than a little creepy to me.

Orange said...

You want creepy? There's also the Precious Moments theme park with the dead-children gimmick.

Charlie said...

Under It's Theatrical:

Our "cast" of dramatists will recount many of the events that transpired during this pivotal period of human history."

I wonder how their "cast" is different from an actual cast?

Bella Sultane said...

But did you check out the testimonials? Apparently, many visitors feel that it's quite an accurate depiction.

And gosh, count me in on the employment opportunities. If this whole academic gig falls short, I'll be sure to sign on right away.... (groan)

Sergei C. said...

I'm trying to imagine the script for the Day in the Life of the Monk. There'd be no dialogue,'cept perhaps for a narrator:

"The monk awakens and prays.
The monk works, then prays.
The monk prays, then eats.
The monk works.
The monk prays.
The monk works.
The monk prays then eats.
The monk prays.
The monk prays, then sleeps."

T.A.N. said...

where's momma?

baby needs his breastfast.

Craig said...

Didn't Flanders open this on a Simpsons episode?

The Un-Apologetic Atheist said...

Woot, I have long hair and pass for a pretty good Jesus when I wear it down. I gotta work at one of these places so I can molest the 18 year old virgins who come to the park all doe-eyed to "serve Jesus."

Anonymous said...

Heh. At first I thought you were talking about Orlando Bloom.

The Un-Apologetic Atheist said...

Since I've received emails about the antifeminist nature of this last comment, I have to clarify-- it's tongue-in-cheek.

I have no interest whatsoever in women who are eighteen, virgins, OR Christians. Let alone any combination of the three.