Sunday, September 25, 2005


Squeamish Reader Alert: If you are easily squicked out, do not read this post. Really.

When's the last time you heard someone use the word douchebag but they weren't impugning anyone's character?

The other day, I drove my 93-year-old grandma to the gynecologist to get a pessary (s'posed to keep her uterus from popping out—she's got a wicked case of uterine prolapse going on) inserted. I'm guessing most of you don't quite know what a pessary is; this model basically looked like a diaphragm with vent holes. Anyway, the doctor advised Grandma to use a nonmedicated douche twice a week to basically, um, flush out stanky discharge. 'Cause the pessary, it stays in for 1 to 3 months at a time, unlike a diaphragm.

The next day, Grandma tells me she's gonna have to see what sort of douches they sell at Wa1-Mart. And "I'm not sure if I still have that douchebag around here. I'll need a new hose, anyway." Aaaagh! My ears! My ears are bleeding! I assured her that she could probably buy a handy-dandy douche with a self-contained squeeze bottle or something (what the hell do I know about such things?), and that I really didn't think she'd need to track down a douchebag. Much less a new hose. (Aaagh!)

Yes, I spoke the word douchebag aloud to my grandmother, and she didn't tell me to wash my mouth out with soap. Honestly? I don't think she has any idea how the modern generation uses that word.


Anonymous said...

Oh my. Too funny. My mom uses "hummer" all the time.. Like "That is one big hummer!" She has no idea what it means.

Feral Mom said...

My example of generational confusion is from my husband's childhood...6 years old and wearing brand new red swimming trucks, his grandmother exclaimed "What gay underwear!" I don't think he ever quite recovered.

Anonymous said...

Did she say anything about using Lysol to douche with? 'Cause back in grad school we were doing some research that required looking in old magazines from the 50s. We discovered an old Lysol ad that suggested, in wonderfully sexist language, that you could lose your husband if you didn't douche on a regular basis. Yes, women used to douche with Lysol!! My grandmother did, according to my mom, who told me this after I mentioned the ad to her.

I imagine they must have diluted it. I hope so.

I hope you introduced Grandma to Massengil.

Anonymous said...

OMG...funny gross at once...amazing how body issues can't be topped for invoking body clenching involuntary reactions.

Mona Buonanotte said...

I have that old Saturday Night Live sketch..."Mr. and Mrs. Douchebag", arriving at a fancy costume ball.

JT said...

Oh, my. Just oh, my. *grin)

The Un-Apologetic Atheist said...

Actually Mona I kinda wanna see that!

Though I don't think a show about the Frist family would be much fun.

Anonymous said...

I am the person who found your site by googling for "orange douchebag". I'm laughing out loud, literally, as I write this -- so I feel I should explain that I was not on a quest to find an orange douchebag (to coordinate with my orange douche wand, perhaps?), nor am I trying to insinuate that you are a douchebag or anything unseemly like that! I'd simply read this post before and couldn't recall your URL to find it manually.

I just figured that was worth some explanation.

Anonymous said...

Being a woman yourself you shouldn't have any problem talking with your grandmother about cleansing your filthy womanly parts. Dirty dirty dirty dirty dirty dirty dirty dirty dirty