Saturday, June 23, 2007

À votre santé!

My pal Flea from One Good Thing is also writing at the Offpsrung parenting site, with a sex-related blog called Lock the Bedroom Doors. In tonight's post, Flea offers sage advice about sex toys. Namely, don't buy those cheap-ass "jelly" vibrators or dildos because that substance releases icky chemicals—and do you want icky chemicals going where your toys go? No. No, you do not.

Flea recommends springing for the more expensive silicone toys. Aren't your orifices and nerve endings worth it? Yes. Yes, they are.

Flea knows whereof she speaks because she runs a sex-toy business called the Honeysuckle Shop. You can shop for toys there, you can buy your toys elsewhere, but wherever you shop, please heed her advice and treat yourself to high-quality merchandise.

Hmm? What's that you say? You haven't got any sex toys and you're not sure you need one? Nonsense! You could always start with the cute sculptural LAYAspot vibe, which scarcely looks risqué at all. Honeysuckle's premium products page includes that turquoise and magenta one plus five other color combos; your friendly neighborhood sex-toy purveyor may have still other colors in stock. In whatever color, it is sure to be efficient. Saves time! Reduces operator fatigue! Cuts risk of carpal tunnel syndrome! It features multiple settings and intensities, much like those Sharper Image massage chairs. But while a chair costs hundreds or thousands of dollars, the LAYAspot's under $50!

The famous Rabbit vibes are on the premium page, too—you may have heard raves about the classic Rabbit Pearl and Rabbit Habit. I believe the Hitachi Magic Wand is the one that was featured on Sex and the City. The premium page also has a zillion toys sold under the Sue Johansen label, and this frightens me—she's the grandmotherly sexpert with a show on the Oxygen channel or something.

Basic rule of thumb for sex-toy shopping: If it costs, say, $40 to $100, it's probably a good one. If it's less than $20, it's probably a scary, chemical-leaching, germ-retaining, material-degrading, mechanically-failing piece of junk, and unless you have some kind of fetish for shoddy craftsmanship and materials, it's not going to be worthwhile in the long run. Buy a good toy and it should last you for years and years.

Don't forget the batteries!


E. said...

Maybe I need to buy a new dildo. The two that I have went missing when we moved almost two years ago and haven't been seen since. I keep expecting them to turn up, but perhaps it's time to just spring for a new one (or two).

Loved the Pandagon post on the sexist-conservative versus feminist-liberal ways of defining/framing rape. Very elucidating and helpful.

Mignon said...

E, your comment reminds me of that song "Detachable Penis." Isn't there a line about hoping the thing would pop up? And then the guy finds it amongst other random things being sold on a blanket on the sidewalk by a street vendor.

So, yeah. I need to get over to that website, too. Mine is the cheap, leaching, degrading type. And it scares me. It's been stored in a wool sock for years and at this point looks like something you'd pull out of the couch cushions at a frat house.

Jay said...

Not that this has anything to do with, well, anything, but I've tagged you with a meme. You have only yourself to blame for inspiring me to blog in the first place, you know. It's five reasons why you blog; mine are at

amusing said...

Now, in defense of the cheap plastic things; my first post-divorce beau got me a $9 vibrator and the thing still works and helped me find my orgasm. But the giant non-vibrating dildo just scares me and it smells like cheap rubber.

It's time I treat myself to something new and fabulous. I'll go have a browse! (Suggestions are welcome...)

Orange said...

Amusing, if you contact Flea (e-mail address available atop the One Good Thing page) with some ideas about what you're looking for (e.g., size, location of sensations, waterproof or not, etc.), perhaps she can suggest something. Or you can't go wrong by checking her premium products page and browsing there—much less overwhelming than being confronted by hundreds of products at once.

Jay, I'm keeping your post open in a browser tab, but I'm not sure when I'll get to the meme and I can't promise listing more than two or three things.

Mignon, get shopping! And ditch the wool sock. Me, I have things rolled up in old clean washcloths in a drawer. Couldn't find a nice little bag for them—all they had at a neighborhood shop was giant doctor's bag type satchels, and that ain't gonna fit inside a drawer. Leave a pink satchel under the bed? You know a kid will head straight for that.

E., you'd best get your toy shopping out of the way before you're busier than ever with the new baby.

The Absent Minded Housewife said...

So I shouldn't be hanging around the toothbrush aisle looking for my sex toys? The electric ones with spiderman on them make me feel kinda gooey and stuff.

Orange said...

Becky, I'll bet if you got a really nice toy, you'd feel compelled to feature it as one of your monthly Best Housewifely Doodads.

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