Dude, I got carded tonight when I ordered a Leinenkugel Red with dinner. Carded! At age 38...ish. Heh.
Speaking of heh, I came across a small sheet of product instructions over at my grandma's place today. Have you ever heard of Hemorr-Ice? This handy product is still available!? In short, Hemorr-Ice is an ice pack designed to reach hemorrhoids. It's the world's tiniest buttplug, and you store it in your freezer. When your 'roids are ailing you, take your Hemorr-Ice out of the freezer, lube it up, and stick it up your bunghole "for 2 to 5 minutes, depending upon the severity of your case." Does that sound a bit shocking? Don't worry—"The discomfort is short-lived and harmless." Then you wash it ("thoroughly with soap and warm water") and pop it back in the freezer for next time. (And please, don't mistake it for a popsicle.)
How long will the treatment take, doctor? "In general, the treatment period for Hemorr-Ice is two insertions per day, morning and evening"—say, with breakfast and then for dessert after dinner—"for one to two weeks. More severe cases may take as long as one month."
Helpful hint for parents: I bet Hemorr-Ice works wonders for the teething baby as well. (Although be mindful of the choking hazard it may pose.) Hemorr-Ice: Good for the whole family!