Thursday, December 15, 2005

Grandma

My 93-year-old grandmother is at a rehab center. No, not the Colin Farrell/Robert Downey Jr. type of place, but rather a nursing home where she can get physical therapy to aid the transition from hospital to home. Anyway, she'd been laid up in the hospital for 10 days. Last night, at about 1 a.m. as Grandma tells it, a night-shift male nurse came in and offered her a shower. After going so long without bathing, it sure sounded tempting. But Grandma's a traditional old white lady with traditional old attitudes towards people of color, and the nurse/aide was a big, burly black man. So first she declined the offer. Then she thought to herself (and I quote what she told me), "You big dummy. They wouldn't have him here if he wasn't all right," so she got nekkid with a big, burly man. He washed her bits, he washed her body, he shampooed her hair. And she feels great! Of course you feel great, Gram—you just got naked in the shower with a man for the first time in your life! (I'm guessing. I suppose it's possible her past is more checkered than she lets on.) And he washed your bits for you!

What makes this story great, to me, is that Grandma chastised herself with the old "Sanford and Son" catchphrase, "You big dummy."

8 comments:

DoctorMama said...

What a cute story!
I'm happy for your gram.
He didn't need to do anything with the douchebag, though, did he?

Orange said...

I don't think he knew about her pessary and douching needs. But my cousin swears that Grandma told us that the bathing chair had a big hole in the bottom to facilitate the washing of bits. Does that sound right to you, Doctormama?

By the way, my latest douchebag post has a comment from a Canadian, who confirms that his land is not bereft of douchebags, literal or figurative. Still no word on why so many Canadians are Googling the word, though.

Maine said...

Happy ending?

Orange said...

She didn't specify, Maine. Could be. The pessary does a nice job keeping her uterus inside so it doesn't plop out and obstruct the happy-ending bits.

DoctorMama said...

Like this?

Orange said...

Thanks, Doc! Now I know what's missing in my life—any items designed expressly for "personal and perineal care." Although...maybe that's not exactly accurate.

kathie said...

Fun for Gram. That prob. bought her another ten years of life.

bitchphd said...

LOL, good for your Gramma. I like a woman who can talk herself out of 93 years of social conditioning with one "you big dummy."