Freebie People

A while back, one of my favorite bloggers, Mona, presented her list of five freebie lays—famous people whom she feels would merit special dispensation from her spouse’s monogamy expectations. (This concept was also discussed on Friends, if anyone remembers that program.) Such lists are highly hypothetical: What are the odds Mona will actually meet Colin Firth and have the opportunity for mind-blowing sex with him? Probably slim. (Sorry, honey. The truth hurts.) For starters, he lives in the wrong country.

So I got to thinking about my hypothetical quintet of freebies. (Not all at once! Get your minds out of the gutter, people.) Could I settle on five? For inspiration, I asked Mr. Tangerine who was on his list. (Secretly, I think Mona’s on it, but she doesn’t count because she’s famous only in anonymous blogland.) He couldn’t come up with anyone. I know, I know—he obviously has chosen his list but is sparing me the pain of hearing which famous women who are completely unlike me are actually much hotter than me.

A good friend of mine populates her informal list with men whose minds she deems sexiest—for example, Richard Holbrooke and Paul Krugman, Charlie Rose and Harold Varmus. This approach, while completely valid, is not for me.

Number one on the Orange Tangerine fresh-squeezed list is Brad Pitt. Funny, smart, well-dressed, and totally hot in Mr. and Mrs. Smith Loose and funny in The Mexican and Ocean’s Eleven. Too beautiful for words in A River Runs Through It and Legends of the Fall. And showing a lot of skin and sinew in Thelma and Louise. He loses me when he goes all scruffy with beards and whatnot in real life and in his skanky-leaning films, but he definitely has potential.

Number two, Bruce Willis, with the lights off. He’s not bad looking, and he’s doing all right with the hair loss. Though the Planet Hollywood thing was silly, he gets major points for accepting his ex-wife’s relationship with a 20-something hottie with such genial equanimity and self-assurance. But let’s turn the lights off and focus on that soothing, raspy, irresistible voice, shall we?

I haven’t seen any of George Clooney’s work since Ocean’s Eleven, but I still like him. The puppy-dog eyes combined with smarts and an unabashed liberal streak? Hot! He also seems to always be pulled together—none of those tabloid shots looking sloppy, no embarrassing high-profile relationship flame-outs. Definitely a worthy number three.

Number four is Russell Wong, whom I haven’t seen in anything in ages. His character in The Joy Luck Club was heartbreakingly cruel, and yet his hotness steadfastly refused to be overpowered by the character’s brutality. A tasty morsel, indeed.

Last, we have Bill O’Reilly. I kid! I kid. I’ve only got four people and I’m drawing a blank on number five, but any good list of freebies must by law contain five names. I now open the floor for nominations.