Friday, April 29, 2005

Made in China

My son's school just finished the whole fundraiser-catalog thingy, and each kid gets a reward of one piece of schlocky merchandise even more cheaply made than the stuff for sale. Here's what it says on the package for Ben's reward (note: the package gives the item no name other than TOY):

INSTRUCTION

STICKY BALL IS COMPRISED OF [Ed.: No! "Consists of," or "comprises," or "is composed of," but not "is comprised of." Who taught you English?] 32 FRESH AND SOFT NATURAL SUCKING NIPPLES. IT CAN ATTACH ON SMOOTH OBJECTS SUCH AS THE SURFACES OF TABLE AND MIRROR. WHILE PLAYING,IT WON'T CUT HANDS OR FEET AND CAN ENHANCE HANDLE AND REACTIVE ABILITY.

WITH SPECIAL BAT OF STICKY BALL,IT CAN BE PLAYED BY ONE OR MORE PERSONS. [Ed.: There are two "special bats of sticky ball," so more = two.] WHILE PLAYED BY ONLY ONE PERSON, YOU THROW THE BALL IN THE AIR FIRST, AND THEN CATCH IT WITH BAT WHILE STICKY BALL IS FALLING. WHILE PLAYED BY MORE THAN TWO PERSONS, ONE PERSON CASTS THE BALL TO ANOTHER;ANOTHER PERSON CATCHES IT WITH BAT AND CASTS BACK TO THE FORMER. IT IS FULL OF JOY AND CAN BUILD FIGURE.

NOTE: WHILE PLAYING, BE CAREFUL NOT TO HIT STICKY BALL ON KEY PART OF THE BODY SUCH AS EYES AND NOSES ETC.

Is this not the best set of instructions ever? I could take a picture of sticky ball and special bats, but I think it's better if you use your imagination to envision this foot-safe, nose-dangerous, handle-enhancing, figure-building, joyful product.

Update: One of the special bats of sticky ball is cracked already, since Ben was wearing the bats as shoes. Why was there no warning not to employ special bats of sticky ball as shoes?

11 comments:

Charlie said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
the nut said...

ohhh, troll running amok?

Peanut had his toys earlier this year and whew, glad that's done with. He won a monkey that, when thrown or dropped hard, howls. It's very loud and very obnoxious yet we keep it for some reason.

Orange said...

No, no troll. Just Charlie leaving a comment on the wrong post and deleting it himself. It's so nice to have a fella who cleans up after himself!

Psycho Kitty said...

Ho ho. I think you should put that up as a tagline: Full of joy and can build figure. Reminds me of Happy Fun Ball.

Orange said...

PK, if only the toy had carried the warning, "Do not taunt the special bat of sticky ball." If only.

Psycho Kitty said...

See, though, if it had, then you'd be forced to believe in the existance of a Higher Power.

Psycho Kitty said...

(That was funny in my head, but now I'm worried about offending you.)

Orange said...

No higher power—I'd just have to believe that someone in China has been watching "SNL" and recognizes comic opportunity when it presents itself.

Psycho Kitty said...

:)

JT said...

Everyone beat me to the Do Not Taunt Happy Fun Ball punchline. Damn.

the nut said...

Maybe I need to watch more SNL....