Recently, Flea was offered a free pair of Easy Spirit shoes that she awarded to the winner of a blog contest. Actually, she tried to give me the prize, but the shoes were these wedge clogs with a too-high wedge, and my feet are high-maintenance. Seriously high-maintenance. Last year, I walked barefoot on concrete at Flea's son's birthday party, the "Omigod, someone could drown," mom-can't-relax party she had at a water park. (She learned her lesson. This year, she opted for an enclosed and waterless ice cream shop.) And my bipartite sesamoid bones got angry, so very angry, and I spent a couple weeks on the couch, hobbling around the house on one foot, and occasionally requiring the aid of narcotic pain relief to sleep at night. So even Easy Spirit sensible wedges terrify my feet, and Flea gave the shoes to someone else. Well, there's that, and there's also the fact that I feel I am too young for that brand. Far too young.
Still, I thought it was cool that a national company had contacted Flea to offer her a free pair of shoes.
But now, I can top that. A few days ago, I received an e-mail, subject line "Greatings (sic) from Lee.com." Apparently the fine folks at Lee were sad that I had blogged about Gap jeans, and they hoped to entice me to blog about Lee jeans. All I gotta do is post a link to Lee.com and tell them where I've put the link, and they'll send me my choice of the jeans they sell. My preconception was that Lee makes Mom Jeans, and not jeans that I want to wear. So I checked out their women's jeans.
First warning: The Jean Quiz. Your "perfect pair of jeans" ought to do one or more of the following:
• Tames my tummy so I don't have to (Subtext: I'd kind of like a girdle.)
• Keeps my unmentionables where they should be - out of sight! (Subtext: I think it's rude when girls show their underwear above their low-rise waistband, and I'm completely unaware of the existence of low-rise underwear.)
• Are stretchy enough that I can enjoy a good meal and not have to succomb (sic) to unbuttoning. (Subtext: I tend to overeat and/or buy my jeans too small. Also, I am unconcerned with spelling.)
Yeah. This is not my demographic. My demographic likes low-rise pants because they let the tummy breathe instead of cinching it with a Mom Jeans waistband that constricts the innards. And my demographic is not too excited about stretch jeans because they get all bagged out after one wearing, and who wants to wash jeans after a single wearing? Why, that increases one's water consumption and carbon footprint. My demographic also has a bunch of low-rise boyshort undies from Target that work great.
Lee did have several options that purported to be low-rise, so I perused the styles available.
• The OTF Hudson Straight Leg Jean includes a "gold lurex sash/belt" with fringe to the knees. Er, no.
• The X-Line Cade has, like, 7-inch cuffs. What in tarnation does anyone need giant cuffs for?
• The X-Line Lynn has 4-inch cuffs. Still too long. "This is the perfect jean for ballet flats or stilettos." Oh, yay. I'm always looking for clothes that go with stilettos. My persnickety feet, they love stilettos.
The other low-rise options looked unremarkable, but given that I try on at least a dozen pairs of jeans for every pair that actually fits right. So no, I'm not keen on whoring out my blog to get a free pair of jeans that probably won't fit me.
Moving past the low-rise category and into the Mom Jeans and Mom Pants, I found something worse than jeans with a gold lurex sash/belt: the poetically named Side Elastic Pant. Go ahead and envision it. Let your imagination run wild. Done? Okay, now I'll tell you what they (I prefer the plural "pants" to the singular "pant") really look like. They're high-waisted, sort of balloony/pleated over the tummy, super-baggy through the thigh (if you remember the baggies of the early '80s, they're strikingly similar), tapered at the ankle. What puts these over the edge to be My Favorite Lee Pant are the shoes worn by the model: sleek kitten-heel pumps. Because aren't those exactly the sort of shoe you expect to see accessorizing a Side Elastic Pant?
Damn. I am absolutely willing to whore out my blog, but don't you think I can fetch a higher price than a single pair of Mom Jeans?