Sunday, November 12, 2006

What I learned at the gym today

• If you (i.e., not me) wear a thong underneath your cotton stretch capri leggings when you work out, you may well end up with a stripe of sweat soak-through that traces your buttcrack. Just what everyone wants—even more of a reminder than the thong-facilitated wedgie itself that your sweaty asscrack is on the loose.

• If you (meaning me, in this case) work out with weights enough to add muscle tone, your metabolism slows magically, and you will find yourself losing weight the same week you bought a dozen Krispy Kremes. (Alas, I don't get into the gym between training appointments to do cardio, so that midsection flab remains problematic. Most of my pants are too baggy, dropping down at the waist and draping loosely around the butt and thighs. Except for those three pairs of pants I bought two years ago. Those fit great below the belly zone and in the rear, but there's still a little too much muffin-topping for my comfort. And the pants—too big and too tight—are all the same size!)

• A couple weeks ago, another health-club patron eavesdropped when my trainer and I discussed her performance in the marathon. The eavesdropper is one of those lunatic exercise fanatics who works out vigorously for three or four hours at a stretch, at least several times a week. She ain't right in the head, clearly. So the eavesdropper butts into the conversation and volunteers that she herself had finished the marathon in an enviable 3:21. Later, out of her earshot, my trainer says, "I know I passed her around mile 20. There's no way she finished in 3:21!" Today, the trainer reports that she found out the eavesdropper's name, looked her up in the standings, and learned that she's a damn liar who actually finished in 4:02. What would possess someone to boast of speed that she does not possess? The inevitable response to such boasting is, "Wow, that's impressive!" Does it not make her feel like a big ol' loser when she knows the truth is that she's much slower than that? Whatever. She's probably just nuts.

18 comments:

Orange said...

Plus, what's up with the message that displays while Blogger is loading a new past? "This may take a few minutes, if you have a large blog." What is the comma doing in there?

Larki said...

It's a rogue comma, loose on the internet and wreaking havoc. Look, there it, goes! Stop,it!

tuna said...

When he was in gradeschool and just learning to write, a friend of mine used to think that you were supposed to put. a. period. after. every. word. I still giggle at that.

Mignon said...

Larki, that was, funny. (Really - I laughed out loud!)

Thong during workout = ass chafe. Bad ass chafe. And I know this because I have one pair of undies that are slightly too small and give me the delightful thong effect. Ass chafe. Also the marathon time competition reminds me of people that like to compare labor horror. "Oh my god!!! I was in labor for 39 hours!" "No way! I was in labor for 76 hours!" Shut up. No really, shut up.

Orange said...

Oh, I like to counter the people with labor horror stories with a snappy, "Yeah, I never had labor. Nope, I had the emergency C-section instead. Spent my first night as a mommy in the ICU, sick as a dog."

(Will someone remind me to write up part 2 of my birth story? But don't remind me for, like, a month.)

Mignon said...

Yeah, well I spent my first seven nights in the ICU sick as a, as a, as a much bigger dog!

Orange said...

And how's your health now, Mignon?

Emma Goldman said...

I think the Lunatic Exerciser has a body dysmorphic disorder of some kind--anorexia, perhaps? One of the variations on that theme, anyway. And (I'm going to tie this together, I promise), there's some evidence that those disorders are related, brain-chemistry-wise, to OCD, which, in turn, may be related to addiction, a primary feature of which is . . . dishonesty. A long, and only somewhat-made-up explanation of why she lied.

But I still say she's got some kind of disorder goin' on. I used to see a woman like that at the Fancy Schmancy club at which I used to be able to afford to be a member, and it was kind of creepy to see.

Feral Mom said...

Sweaty asscrack, commas...what ELSE is on the loose? I'm afraid. Very. Afraid.

meno said...

I don't wear undies to the gym. Oh, sorry, was that an overshare?

That's a sad story about the liar. Guess she is unable to be happy with what she did do. I'd be crowing from the tree tops if i ran a marathon in 4:02, although it's not likely to happen as i don't run.

Mignon said...

I never spent any nights in the ICU and had a completely ordinary birth experience. Sorry.

Orange said...

Mignon: I win!

DoctorMama said...

This, is the best, comment exchange I've seen lately.

No. Undies. At the gym. Ever. What purpose could they possibly serve?

I'm impressed by your massive bulk, Orange. You should enter the post-ICU bodybuilding championships.

Hey, when do you start "working out" for the crossword championship? Or is that all year, every day?

Orange said...

What purpose do undies serve? They help contain the ass flab so it doesn't reach out and grab other people at the gym.

I work out every single day...with crosswords. (How come that doesn't do a damn thing for ab flab? I would look awesome if crosswords had a salutary effect on the physique.) Did about a dozen today.

tuna said...

Perhaps the crossword training regimine doesn't help so much with the ab flab, but it does seem to lead to a very entertaining blog.

What? Why, no, I'm pretty sure there is nothing on my nose. Why do you ask?

Orange said...

Your nose looks fine to me, tuna!

MassBile said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
JT said...

Why in Jeebus' name would anyone wear a thong to work out? Isn't exercise punishment enough?

JT (lycra bike shorts + commando = constriction of unsightly bulges AND no worries about VPL!