Tuesday, August 29, 2006

Lazy list of search queries

Lately, my douchebag and what is a douchebag hits have gone way down. But not to worry—plenty of other oddball search queries have lured people to this very blog.

The #1 query is funky words, which I wrote about one time. I have no idea if those were the words these people are looking for, or if they were disappointed not to discover a whole 'nother category or funkalicious words here. Second is orange tangerine, naturally enough. Third, swim ware. Guess what? There probably aren't a ton of sites that spell it that way, but I'll bet the poor spellers don't stick around here when they see that I actually make fun of spellings like "swim ware." (It's like really wet software, no?) There's also swimwere sperm, swimming ware, and men wearing womans swimwere (a cross-dresser and a poor speller).

Next on the list are some product names: Hemorr-Ice, which may offer sweet, cold relief to those suffering from 'roids, and Space Food Sticks, which I loved in the '70s, but the replica being made today is nasty. Possibly it tastes identical to the snack I loved so much when I was a kid—who knows? But don't give in to the temptation. You'll be disappointed.

I don't know what the bum hole and snot sex folks thought they'd find here, but I suspect they moved along quickly, utterly let down by this blog. I have no idea what number five orange might mean. As for erectionphotos, that was mentioned by Esquire magazine many moons ago, and I mentioned it in a post, but didn't even link to the site, which is exactly what it sounds like. And still, Orange Tangerine comes up in search engines when people look for that. Go figure.

Queries like orange bras and tangerine tits seem to go together, no? I don't know about cheese bra, though. (I'd have to advise against using Swiss cheese.) And grilled velveeta—listen, don't burn your breasts with that, okay? And very ample breasts makes me wonder whether that summons up the same sites that a search for "ginormous boobies" would. Does the more sophisticated wording elevate the caliber of breasts depicted? The query sexy photos girls boobies that only grownups could see smacks of a curious 13-year-old boy.

Then there's how to be chic. Wouldn't you like to meet the person who aspires to be chic, and goes online to find out how to pull that off? Good luck to ya. Can't say I've got much advice for you here. Maybe check out the links for the woman farting in the car search? And of course, you can't go wrong with crossword puzzles. Très chic.

Even more alarming than that are queries like swallowed petrol (can't the British call Poison Control, too?), barbed wire toilet seat (ouch), sadnesses and horrifying poems (aww...), orange balls in ejaculation (!), lysol douche (No! Don't do it! This is so wrong!), mormon bdsm (hope you find what you're looking for, dear), how to put holes in jeans (No! Don't do it! This is so wrong!), masturbating with an orange (How?? Now I'm curious. How is this done?), women have penis's (That's so wrong! The plural is penises, no apostrophe.), wife never orgasm small penis (Dude, you got hands? A mouth? Sex toys? Use 'em.), what does my poo mean (can't be sure, but I suspect it has something to do with eating, digestion, and elimination), vomit boobs (sexy!), true confessions grandma sex, tripe green throwover (no idea what that means, but it can't be good), sticky balls disease (first step: try washing), people eat spiders in their sleep (ack!), orange up the butt (Don't do it! Oranges lack handy pull-strings for retrieval.), orange pieces in ejaculation (call your doctor, man), margarine eater contest (eww...), coffee tastes like someone threw up in it (make a new pot already), big assy sex (what?), and—most alarming of all—american girl doll matching outfits.

Then we have the confessions: i use public toilet and piss on the seat (knock it off!) i love menopausal butts (good for you!), i hump my cat (hey, pick on someone your own size! and species), and can count the number of guys i've slept with on one hand (me too!)

Most mysterious of all is orange road images erotic thumbs access free. What??

Apparently I'm not the only one who dreams of taking the elevator sideways. (I recommend it highly!)

A couple animal-related queries caught my eye: what does squirrel poo look like? Hey! I know that now. Sadly. When a squirrel is freaked out because it doesn't know how to get out of your house, the poop is dark brown to greenish, soft, roughly the size of a sunflower seed without its shell. Whether calm squirrels have different poop, I can't say. Then there's orang jeans. Did Clint Eastwood's orangutan costar in those old movies wear pants? I don't know what's going on with gorilla zoo la leche league.

I'm guessing that most regular readers originally came to Orange Tangerine via another blog, where they followed a link in a blogroll or comment. (That's how I found most of the blogs I read.) But if you actually came here because of a search query and decided to pop in from time to time, leave a comment and say hello. I'm curious to know whether any of those Google hits end up sticking.

16 comments:

Orange said...

Didn't I tell you I procrastinate?

Anonymous said...

THIS IS STUPID

Anonymous said...

you know,WHAT THE HECK IS THIS WEB FOR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Orange said...

It's for gorilla zoo la leche league information, obviously. And how did you find this site, anonymous? You're interested in we like poop? Heh.

Orange said...

Or were you the girl's butt searcher? Either way, that's not exactly what the heck this web is for.

the psycho therapist said...

Impressive wordsmithing, Orange One.

I've wondered about that plural penis business for years. Henceforth, I am empowered.

Thanks for the clarity,
A new fan

Mignon said...

Many of these may give me nightmares. Now I'm off to google eating spiders in my sleep... which I guess means I'll be back here in a minute? I'm so confused.

(Psycho therapist, your little icon reminds me of when Eddie Murphy had to spin that spinny thing in The Golden Child and ask for the special knife.)

Becky..Absent Minded Housewife said...

I've READ that Mormon BDSM blog. I'm NOT KIDDING!

I wish I could find it again so I could post the link!

Guess I'll go google it...

giddybug said...

I may be able to shed some light on the "gorilla zoo la leche league" query.

There was an anecdote related in (I believe) _So That's What They're For_ involving a zoo gorilla raised by humans who killed her first baby rather than let it starve because she hadn't been around other gorillas and didn't know how to feed it. So when she got pregnant again, they worked to teach her how to breastfeed, getting LLL members to volunteer to sit in front of her enclosure daily and breastfeed their children. In the end, the effort succeeded.

My guess is someone was searching for that story and ran across your blog. What your blog contains that would have made it turn up on said search... well, your guess is much better than mine.

Orange said...

Giddybug, that's a charming anecdote indeed. And people get all cranky about public breastfeeding. Won't someone think of the baby gorillas??

I don't recall blogging about anything that combines those key words, though. But the gibbons at Lincoln Park Zoo are awesome. They swing about on ropes and the structure with extreme athleticism, and every now and then, one male gibbon will swing himself straight into the glass window, undoubtedly getting a kick out of the shrieks and recoilings of the gathered crowd. The little dude had his penis smushed right up against the glass in front of me, he did. Then the gibbons moved to the outdoor enclosure, where they demonstrated the fine art of peeing and pooping while swinging through the air. Most impressive. But they weren't breastfeeding, as I recall...

the psycho therapist said...

Mignon...
Ha! Indeed.

Snapple top fact I have never forgotten:

Over the course of a lifetime, humans consume at least eight spiders in their sleep.

Pleasant dreams.

E. said...

Oh my god. I love the La Leche League Teaches the Gorilla Mama to Nurse story. I was considering participating in a "citizens in support of breastfeeding" La Leche League walk next weekend, but now you know I'll be there.

I'm so glad you're still getting folks searching for horrifying poems on your blog. You should post more horrifying poems! Oh, and I know all about masturbating with an orange. It's tricky - even a little dangerous - but if done correctly can be very satisfying.

bihari said...

Wish I'd arrived via horrifying poems, but I came from my friend Midwestern Deadbeat. And am very glad to be here!

Anonymous said...

Maybe you can count the guys you've slept with on one hand, but how many times did you need to use each finger?

Jim said...

Hey, Space Food Sticks! God I loved them as a kid. They probably were just as nasty then as they are now.

fadeafterfall said...

So I was pissed when I did a search and your site popped up and I closed out of it but something had caught my eye as I was doing so and I clicked the back button... yeah I did a search listed on your page, I will let you guess on which but when I actually started reading your blog I was rolling on the floor. I saved you to favorites and maybe I'll see you 'round, hmm? You're funny. You're a feakin' punk... but at least you're funny... anyway... nice post.