My recent spam

Francis Heaney over at Heaneyland (home of the "six things" cartoons) took umbrage at the spam subject line "effete Francis." That inspired me to mine my own bulk-mail folder to see if I had anything good. It's always fun to get something that promises to enlarge a body part I have not got, and I thought "Surprise her with a bigger Johnsons" was especially fresh. The capitalization and pluralization of "johnson" makes it sound almost like you'll get a whole family of phalluses.

I don't know why Charmaine sends such incomprehensible messages, like "You didnt answer solomon jew." Who is Solomon? Is she sure he's Jewish? Or is that his last name? You know, I went to college with a girl named Patty Jew. Maybe she knows Solomon.

Jonelle questions, "can you even get it up?" I'm glad she asked. The other week, I really had a hard time working my grandma's window shades. I couldn't get it back up without trying a few times.

I don't think I've met Brittney Yoder. I think that's often an Amish surname, and it would really sadden me to learn that even the Amish have fallen prey to the American tendency to misspell their children's names. Anyway, Brittney is writing me about "my wife bolshevism bacchus." Her wife sounds pretty wild! Bacchanalian and Bolshevik, all in one tasty package? Party hearty!

The confessional meghan hawkins wrote to say, "now I am a new man." She's hawkin' a "Male Enhancement formula." All I can say is, if it made meghan a new man, this must be one hell of a formula! Just imagine what it could to to a man. Maybe it could transform his johnson into Johnsons.

I have a hankering for cheese and crackers after Joni told me "Crackers and cheese gunther locksmith" and Monroe said "rotarian, Crackers and cheese." Sadly, the cheese I bought today was string cheese, and it doesn't crackerize well.

What's your favorite spam? (And don't say the reduced-sodium Spam.)